During this whole 'journey', there have been some challenges and some victories. At one point, I received Dodie Osteen's book "Healed of Cancer". I dug into it very quickly and have highlighted these 40 scriptures that she used - they have become my own. I have them printed out and on index cards. It's amazing how much the Word has been a source. My favorite scripture is Jeremiah 30:17 that says 'I will restore your health and heal your wounds, says The Lord". I have quoted that many times over the last few months. Especially when my hands and feet were numb or when I was feeling queasy. My prayer when I started this was that I would not look tired and sick. I did not want my children to have to see me in the worst of the worst. I did not want to look sick. Thankfully, although I have felt sick many, many times, I have not really looked sick. I did lose my hair. It began to fall out two days after my second chemo treatment. My scalp was so tender and I could barely run my fingers through my hair without having a handful of hair left in my hand. I was surprised at how quickly it happened. I noticed it on a Saturday evening and I was still able to wash and style my hair for Sunday church. But Monday morning, I washed it but couldn't dry it so I wore it with gel and curly to work that day. The next day, I was afraid to get it wet because it would fill the bathtub drain, so I wore a scarf to work. That afternoon, The Hubs met me at a wig shop and we picked out a wig. That was not fun. I wanted something a little different (shorter looked better and I felt would transition better for a hairstyle change). They offered to shave my head that day, but I wasn't mentally ready then. By Friday, I was sick of losing hair so I went in and had it shaved down with an 8 - leaving about 1-1/2 inches of hair. It changed textures completely when I was no longer about to really use hair product or blow-dry. It looked gray and flat against my head. A month later, I had my sister help to shave the rest of it off. My mom was there too and wondered if I was traumatized by it, but I had already been dealing with the 'trauma' for a while so it actually made things a little easier. I have not enjoyed wearing the wig as much as I thought I might. It's not uncomfortable, just gets old. Scarves and hats are more comfortable to wear but I'm not completely comfortable with wearing these out very often. I don't really get stares just sort of pity-looks.
At one point, my boss gave me a book she had seen on Oprah with the author called "Silver Linings." I really enjoyed reading this one - written by a woman who was a hospice nurse that was diagnozed with breast cancer around age 39. She gives practical wisdom along with medical wisdom and each chapter ends with a list of the silver linings that she looked for and found. What's funny is that I had already done a similar exercise for each stage. You can't help but look for the good in things that you have no control over. Otherwise, the heaviness can be overwhelming. So, although I hated losing my hair, I definitely enjoyed shaving 25+ minutes off of my get ready time in the mornings. And not having to shave my legs or anything over the summer was nice. I did miss a lot of summertime fun activities but then I didn't have to look for an excuse to not go out in my swimsuit. It's all in how you look at things! Since my treatments happened every other week for 4 months, we got a pretty good feel for what would happen when and how to deal with it. I have to say, my kids and my husband were real troopers! I also had incredible support from family, neighbors and church people who brought food and drove kids to activities. I was able to step back from a lot of responsibilities at church and hand them off to able-bodied and willing leaders - probably something I should have done months/years before. It was nice to be able to count down - like 'I've done 3 out of 8 treatments', 'I've done 7 out of 8 treatments'. I was completely done before the last one. We did another ultrasound just before the 8th and final treatment - it did not show significant change in the size of the tumor. I was very much aware of the the size from the first ultrasound. I saw the black spot in the middle of the screen and I watch the ultrasound tech measure it. So, lying there watching the same thing months later after enduring so much medicine and iv's and blood checks, I was done. I called and left messages asking to not have to complete the last treatment. I told people I was not doing anymore. I got to the oncologist's office the day before my scheduled treatment and had already discussed with a nurse over the phone that I would probably be required to complete it. I was an emotional mess. I cried the day before. At work. At home. I cried in the office with the oncologist. I cried in the car on the way home. The dread of having to do it again was just more than I could handle. But I did it. All 8 chemo treatments. I got to ring the bell when it was done, with nurses gathered around cheering with me. I told them 'thank you' but I hoped that I never see them again. They were very kind, but I am ready to turn the page on this chapter!
At one point, my boss gave me a book she had seen on Oprah with the author called "Silver Linings." I really enjoyed reading this one - written by a woman who was a hospice nurse that was diagnozed with breast cancer around age 39. She gives practical wisdom along with medical wisdom and each chapter ends with a list of the silver linings that she looked for and found. What's funny is that I had already done a similar exercise for each stage. You can't help but look for the good in things that you have no control over. Otherwise, the heaviness can be overwhelming. So, although I hated losing my hair, I definitely enjoyed shaving 25+ minutes off of my get ready time in the mornings. And not having to shave my legs or anything over the summer was nice. I did miss a lot of summertime fun activities but then I didn't have to look for an excuse to not go out in my swimsuit. It's all in how you look at things! Since my treatments happened every other week for 4 months, we got a pretty good feel for what would happen when and how to deal with it. I have to say, my kids and my husband were real troopers! I also had incredible support from family, neighbors and church people who brought food and drove kids to activities. I was able to step back from a lot of responsibilities at church and hand them off to able-bodied and willing leaders - probably something I should have done months/years before. It was nice to be able to count down - like 'I've done 3 out of 8 treatments', 'I've done 7 out of 8 treatments'. I was completely done before the last one. We did another ultrasound just before the 8th and final treatment - it did not show significant change in the size of the tumor. I was very much aware of the the size from the first ultrasound. I saw the black spot in the middle of the screen and I watch the ultrasound tech measure it. So, lying there watching the same thing months later after enduring so much medicine and iv's and blood checks, I was done. I called and left messages asking to not have to complete the last treatment. I told people I was not doing anymore. I got to the oncologist's office the day before my scheduled treatment and had already discussed with a nurse over the phone that I would probably be required to complete it. I was an emotional mess. I cried the day before. At work. At home. I cried in the office with the oncologist. I cried in the car on the way home. The dread of having to do it again was just more than I could handle. But I did it. All 8 chemo treatments. I got to ring the bell when it was done, with nurses gathered around cheering with me. I told them 'thank you' but I hoped that I never see them again. They were very kind, but I am ready to turn the page on this chapter!
Comments
Post a Comment